Creativity: Day 41 of 365

Creative Practice: Writing

Today was my godfather’s funeral.  I had thought I was doing very well with the loss.  I lulled myself into thinking I would not have to go into the depths of this loss and all the new realizations that came with it.  Today that illusion was broken.  This is the first sudden and unexpected death I have dealt with as an adult.  At the funeral, it hit me hard.  Grief wracked me through and through.  I knew the only way to the other side of this grief was through it. What better place to fully experience grief than a funeral.  That, and there was a military salute complete with Taps playing.  That song.  How does anyone stay strong during that song?

One of my Creative Circle friends, wisely suggested how hard it is to believe that loss is such a universal emotion, because when you’re going through it  you feel so alone.  It feels like your own person hell.  She said it much more beautifully, and it resonated so deeply with me.

I did a bit more writing today.  It was very rough and very raw.  It was exactly what was needed.

Creativity: Day 39 of 365

Creative Practice: writing

I’ve missed the ocean. I know I’m spoiled, but it’s one of the reasons I pay so much rent for so little space. Regular trips to the beach have become a part of my own personal healing on so many levels. I have spent a good deal of solo time here. Just me and the dog. In fact, I have spent a large quantity of my time the last six months in a fairly solitary life. At first I thought of it as a detox, but then I just settled into asking what my body needed. For months, my body told me it needed rest and deep periods of reflection. I have felt a metamorphosis taking place. I still have no idea what will come at the end, but I have stayed safe in my quiet cocoon waiting, digesting, and being. I’m quite sure many of my friends think I may have ceased to exist, but it was what I needed to do.
This morning I decided to take a late morning trip to dog beach. It’s been weeks and I needed it. I knew I would write, possibly take up this theme of grief again. I was not looking forward to that.

As I was making the solitary drive to Ocean Beach this morning, I noticed a large outcropping of birds in the channel between the ocean and the bay. Within that group of hundreds of birds, there were at least ten white herons. I have always loved herons and cranes, and considered a sighting lucky. Up until now, I had never seen a large group of either. I had always considered them solitary birds. Now, I have no scientific knowledge of the habits of these birds, so I’m working solely off assumption here. I took it as a sign (or maybe symbol is a better word), that perhaps my time of solitude is breaking too. For months I have been in this cocoon. Waiting. I feel my self getting ready to emerge as something that I have yet to understand. Things in my life have naturally been falling into a more social mode. This new style of feeling my way through, of checking in with intuition has been so foreign to me. I still have no idea what comes next, but I am starting to see the light outside of this cocoon.

Creativity: Day 35 of 365

Creative Practice:  Word play, Brainstorming

My last day of travel!  After a particularly crazy morning at my parent’s house filled with some mix-ups, I got on the road to come back to San Diego.  Much later than anticipated, which was not a good thing since I had to be at a family gathering that afternoon.  I drove home, got the dog settled, grabbed presents, and turned back around the way I came.  I spent a lovely time with family, and came home exhausted.

Not having had a moment to do anything creative all day.  I knew I had to do something, but what?  Due to our family’s recent loss I had been thinking about grief on my way home, which led me to consider all the things we grieve for in life.  It seems to me that the experience of going through any kind of grief is so bizarre.  Of late, I am learning to welcome grief in as a friend and companion.  This is something new for me.  In the past, I have had two ways of dealing with grief.  The first being avoidance.  The latter gritting my teeth and bearing it much the way I did with math homework all through high school.  Just push your way through this unpleasant task.   I have never invited grief in for an afternoon snack, and tried to get to know it better.  In this year of letting go, befriending grief and loss seems to be a task I must face. So tonight I brainstormed some thoughts on grief.  I began to write down my thoughts.  I kinda, sorta wrote the very rough draft of a poem.

It’s funny, another thing I am not very comfortable with is poetry, yet here I find myself feeling an urge to write poetry about grief.  It’s not that I have anything against poetry.  I quite like it when other people write it.  It’s just that I feel lost when I try to write it.  I don’t know if I’m doing it right.  Although I loved my high school English teachers, I do blame them a bit for my fear.  One of my English teachers had us do a poetry project.  The haikus in that along with all the talk of Iambic Pentameter make me feel like poetry must be very structured and difficult to write in order to be good.

Here I am thinking about writing poetry about grief.  What have I gotten myself into with this project?  Who knows what this will become.  Perhaps in the end it will only be essays, or even journal musings, but however it turns out, it feels like another necessary step to healing and listening to my soul.

Creativity: Day 32 of 365

Creative Practice: Setting Creative Intentions for the Year

After what feels like a slow start to this blog, I have completed one month of my 365 Project. When I started I had grand ideas of what my creativity was going to look like and how awesome it was going to be. I had visions of perfectly manicured works of art that could be completed in a mere hour as opposed to the days it might take other people. Oh man, was I delusional.

As I started out, I quickly realized that half my battle was carving out my time and sitting down to do something creative. I realized that starting this project was not going to end the struggles in my life immediately. I would still be a person who has been struggling with health issues, struggling with being unemployed, struggling with some of the bad feelings that come with the previous two struggles, and struggling with my path in life. SURPRISE! None of that just went away. I added a new struggle by taking on this project. Except this time, I decided not to struggle. I would just do what I could. I would show up, and I have. It’s not glitzy or glamourous. It’s just little old me amidst life’s challenges trying to make myself better, and have an active creative life.

So today, on the first of the new year after one of my hardest years, I am setting my creative intentions. I sit here watching snow fall on Indiana, enjoying the pace of the midwest if not the cold. I know I have hard work in front of me, but the kind of hard work one does joyfully. I want to find pleasure in my daily creativity. I want to become that person who can do beautiful artwork consistently, but I need to do some growing first. I feel that to be creative, much of my growing will be not in physical skill, but in risk-taking and adventure. I will have to invite in the unknown. So I am setting some intentions to help me grow into the kind of creative person I hope to be. Although many of them could easily be intentions for my life overall.

2014 Creative Intentions:

• To let go
• To loosen up
• To embrace freedom
• To experiment
• To work with tools I enjoy
• To try new things
• To learn everyday
• To make more mistakes
• To fail more often
• To paint more
• To follow my soul’s desires
• To stop being so serious
• To take great pleasure in creative pursuits
• To work more in Mixed Media
• To lighten up
• To grow my creative community
• To enjoy my creative life
• To use my art as a catalyst to healing and health

Have you seen SARK’s poster on How to Be an Artist? This makes me think of one of my favorite entries. “Invite someone dangerous to tea.” I think I like it, because it’s an aspiration to me. I’m not prone to anything dangerous. So perhaps this year I will invite someone dangerous to tea. Just maybe that someone dangerous will be me.

What will you do with this year? Will you play it safe, or be the dangerous element at tea?

My view as I contemplate the new year.

Creativity: Day 31 of 365

Creative Practice: Doodles

One month down!  I can’t believe how time has flown, or how crazy life has been.  I’ve done a lot of exercises here, I’m hoping to get to some more in-depth projects in the new year.  We’ll see what comes as I am trying less to control things and let what needs to come to fruition.  As a teacher, I have felt like I must constantly worry and over plan everything.  One of the reasons I wonder if I am in the right job, or perhaps I just need to change my thinking.  I’m already working on that.  My recent start at letting go has been illuminating and awe-inspiring.  Guess what?  It turns out I was never really in control anyways.  Letting go helps me be open to the good things.  I believe this month of creativity has begun to show me that.  I imagine the next eleven months of creativity will help me let go even more, help me grow, and teach me many lessons.

In anticipation of traveling, I packed supplies that I thought I would want to use. I have pastel pencils, watercolor pencils, and a whole mass of pens and markers. The problem? I feel completely uninspired by them. Add in the exhaustion of traveling, being sick, and spending as much time with family as I can. My art is kind of taking a back seat. I’m still doing it, but my attempts are feeble right now.

I am however craving painting. I want to paint so badly. I have ideas for that, but it’s not feasible right now. Going from hotel, to my sister’s apartment, and soon back on a plane again does not really allow me to paint. I’ll be home soon, and hopefully have some time to paint. Although with a part-time teaching gig coming up, I fear my creative time may be spent creating lessons and art projects for little ones.

For tonight. I did some Christmas Eve Doodles. I made confetti out of wishes for the next year. I was doing this watching the countdown in bed at the hotel. Right in the middle if this exercise, Ryan Seacrest starts talking about how the confetti dropped in Times Square comes from all over the world.  People write their wishes on each piece and mail it to New York City for the ball drop. I also read a friend Alyson’s blog post about an hour before. She presented a new alternative to resolutions. It’s a great post. Find it here. She talks about thinking about who you want to be in the new year. I kept this in mind as I made my confetti pieces.

I’m hoping to send out those good thoughts so that I leave behind the yuckiness that has been 2013 for me, and embrace a wild, new, wonderful 2014. It’s nothing exciting visually, but it got me thinking about what I wanted.

Creativity: Day 11 of 365

Creative Endeavors:  Crafting a new life and creating new connections

Right now the most difficult project I am working on is my life.  Trying to figure out my direction, and what my next career step is.  I’m looking at changing my career direction.  I’m working out how to best do that. Today I took a big step forward.  I attended a an association meeting for my possible new direction.  I met several lovely people, got some information, and I’m hoping made some helpful connections.  I wondered if this were really was a creative act, but I am really trying hard to create a life I love, and it is hard.   I am having to look at this in new ways constantly.  There is a lot of planning and trying new things.  Much like creating art.  A life is not an easy thing to create.

Losing my job was difficult.  Unemployment can be a defeating.  I am trying to discern what’s important to me and what is a good fit.  I have fifteen years of experience in education, and ten years of contract teaching, yet I have so far not been able to find a full-time job here in San Diego in my field.  I have been redefining my priorities and my ideal work environment.  Today I made a huge step towards it.  My confidence has not been what it used to be since the layoff and my last year of teaching.  Going into a room of strangers who all work in a sector that I do not have direct experience in, was a intimidating.  I met so many helpful people.  By the end of the night, I felt like a real person again.  It was so nice to be amongst professionals again.

Creativity: Day 2 of 365

Persimmon Puree

Today’s Creation:

A piece of my childhood recreated.  Persimmon Cookies.

Growing up my mom used to make these persimmon cookies that I love, love, loved.  It has been years, probably decades since I have had them.  I got some persimmons last week, thinking I would make them for Thanksgiving.  However, the persimmons have to be very ripe to be good.  They weren’t ready until this week. Today was the day.  If I waited any longer, it is quite possible the persimmons might have spontaneously exploded.  They were really ripe and messy, which should translate into sweet and delicious!

Getting Started

For me, the kitchen has had to become a very creative place.  I don’t eat gluten or dairy, not because it’s some weightloss fad that some celebrity says I should try.  I don’t eat it, because I can’t without getting really, really sick.  I’ve been free of these ingredients for almost ten year for medical reasons.  This makes cooking and baking challenging at times.  I have a few trusty recipes, but many more that have failed.  I am not one to waste food, but sometime gluten free ends up being inedible.  Cookies are usually pretty easy, so I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to convert this recipe.

Dough is done

I subbed in a GF all-purpose flour, and some Earth Balance for the butter.  This is the pretty orange batter.  Looking pretty good.

Double exposure of dough and cookies ready to go in oven

As I was working on this, I felt a sense of having to do this right if this was to be my creative endeavor for the day.  I cleaned as I went so I could take pictures.  I completely forgot to take a picture of the sloppy mess the persimmons made while I  tried to get the goop out.  I felt a real sense of pressure, which is not what this project is about for me.  This project is supposed to be about playing and exploring creativity.  I was trying to remind myself to play, but  secretly feeling a sense of accomplishment for having done everything so perfectly and neatly.  I put the cookies in the oven.  I did a little more cleaning.  I thought wow it seems like there should be something else in there.  I looked at the recipe.  EGG!  There was supposed to be an egg.

The view from my kitchen window

Well, at this point it was a bit late to add the eggs.  The dough was pretty solid and half the cookies were on their way to being baked.  A few years back I had to eliminate eggs from my diet for about a year and a half.  I knew from my experience at that time that the cookies would most likely be okay.  They had a cup of puree in them.  Egg free baking often use fruit purees (like applesauce and pumpkin) to bind the ingredients and for moisture.  So I thought, I guess we’ll see what happens.  I’m doing this project to learn more about myself, and my place in this world.  I didn’t really need today to know that I can be a bit high strung, but it was a good reminder to let go of the outcome and relax.  And really who can be mad with this sunset outside their kitchen.  The picture doesn’t even do it justice.  The colors were amazingly intense with deep magentas and golds.

All done

Here’s the end product.  Pretty darn close to those lovely cookies my mom used to make.  I think the egg would have made them a bit more moist and helped them stick together better, but they were delicious.  See that one missing?  I ate it!  In fact, I think I’ll have another tonight with a cup of dairy free nog to celebrate the start of 363 days more of creativity.

I’m happy to say that I’m starting to feel excited about this journey.